Its 3-35 pm and I have not long returned from my second dose of chemotherapy treatment. All went well again at the hospital this morning. When I woke this morning, I had no idea what I might write about on the blog today. Barbara has just read some of the comments on the forum. I did not know that today is no smoking day until I turned on my little dab radio whilst plugged in to the chemo machine. When I was a smoker just a few short months ago, I loathed non smoking days and all the other very silly days, such as. bring your dog to work day and Heaven knows what else. I personally don't believe that national no smoking day works. They just put the backs up of the smokers. Its a bit like new year resolutions. The only New Year resolution I ever kept was when I made one never to make anymore. I believe that those smokers who really want to give up will do so. If you don't wish to give up, that's fine and, so long as you are not affecting anyone else then you should be allowed to smoke away in peace. I don't wish to be sinner turned saint; I am still a sinner with one less sin. Someone commented on the forum today that should they become ill through smoking, it is their business. Well all I can say to that is, being ill as a result of smoking often is lung cancer. Yes it certainly is your business. However, let me just explain exactly what that business might entail. This is not a lecture, just a simple account of what smoking did for me.

Today after two sessions of chemotherapy, I am feeling absolutely fine. I still have lung cancer and I might have it for the rest of my life which might not be very long if chemo fails. At present things are looking very hopeful. Just a few weeks ago I would wake in the middle of the night, gasping for breath, trying desperately to administer my inhaler to gain some relief. Then the coughing would start and the pain from the pleurisy in my right side would be so great I would be wincing in agony. The pleurisy pain was like several razor blades all digging in to your ribs at the same time. The coughing would make the pain worse but of course you could not stop the coughing. You clutch the side of the bed in desperation to bring some kind of pain relief, but there is no relief. There are no pain killing pills that can give you relief from pleurisy; at least I could not find any. After an hour or so, if you are lucky, the pleurisy pain dies down, the coughing stops and your breathing returns to normal. Grab your sleep now while you can because this state will return again. The trouble is sleep doesn't come easily either. You lie there thinking about what the doctor has told you. In my case it was all about the limited treatment available to me. They can't operate on my tumour as it is too close to my vital organs. Radiotherapy is not an option for the same reason. I start to face the fact that I might not have long to live. My options are very limited. I only have chemo as an option. I sell my business to free up my time. I sell my boat because I believe I am not going to need it again. I try to get my life in order so that it will be easier for Barbara to cope when I am gone. I can't walk Skipper my Collie anymore because I get to out of breath. I lie awake wondering will I see this summer through. I worry myself sick regarding my wife Barbara. When I told my Father I might not have very much longer to live, I can hear the pain in his voice to this day. I would like to call my Mother on the phone a little more frequently than I have been but, it's mostly her tears I hear when I call. I have many tears of my own too but, I try to keep them to myself. Maybe in the dead of night I will let them flow. Lung cancer can be a lonely business, even if you are surrounded by family and friends. Lung cancer is not just an illness! It is horrendous, deadly and, often avoidable. I have often sat out on my garden bench in the sunshine smoking my pipe and thinking I did not have a care in the world. I didn't then! It was only when I ended up sitting on my bed, struggling for breath and wracked in pain and gasping for life, that I cursed the damn pipe. I have not smoked now for 5 months. The chemo is going extremely well. It looks like I am going to be given a second bite of the cherry. I don't want to nag anyone to give up smoking. It is your choice. I do want to try and make sure you know exactly what that choice is though. Lung cancer is just two little words. Two little words though that can end your life and destroy the lives of the loved ones you might leave behind. So, if you catch lung cancer, it's not just your business. It's the business of all those who look after you and the business of all those you love and who love you. Your condition will not just affect you; it will impact very severely on your children, you your partner, your family and friends. Yes you might be lucky and get away with smoking and live to be 100. But why be lucky. If you possibly can give it up. It really is much better to be gasping for a smoke than gasping for life. If you feel you can't give it up, that's fine too. You might not be able to now, but that doesn't mean you will never be able too. Just because you have failed to pack it in now doesn't mean you should stop trying. If you really want to give it up you will do so eventually. Don't lose heart. I don't want to nag anyone. I simply don't want what happened to me to happen to you. I don't want to be introduced to you on the chemotherapy ward. Believe me, lung cancer ceases to be just a word for an illness when your doctor sits you down and tells you, you have lung cancer. It's a deep, dark, black hole. Don't fall down it. Often there is no ladder to climb out.

Bye for now then.