Celebrity Smells

[Declan]

Perusing the Christmas TV ads you hate thread I was surprised to notice that no-one has nominated the spate of ads for perfumes designed by the celebrities.

 

Prominent amongst this torrent of fragrance flogging famous folk, as in everything that involves celebrity and gaudy tackiness, are the Beckhams with Intimately Beckham for Him and for Her.

 

This strikes me as a bit odd, has it escaped the perfumier's attention that David Beckham is a footballer? Admittedly, this is a fact that escaped millions watching the Croatia game. Surely, flatulence, vicks and sweat, - the traditional the aromour of a football changing room cannot be what they're aiming for? In fact it isn't, as the Press Release explains -

 

A modern woody-spicy accord radiating warmth and sensuality. It leads with the intense freshness and sparkle of bergamot, tangy grapefruit zest and zingy cardamom. Awakening the senses and the appetite for life. The excitement rises with a brilliant contrast of sexy violet and a spicy, virile blend of nutmeg and star anise. Warm, sensual undertones of sandalwood, patchouli and amber create an unforgettable, intimate essence.

 

 

Posh of course smells like a Mark II Cortina - polyester, a quick fumble and wet labrador with a cheeky hint of pine air freshener. At least the Beckhams go to the trouble of acting out the name of their brand in the advert by getting a bit intimate. Unlike, Sarah Jessica Parker who is attempting to promote a fragrance named Lovely by appearing as the the spirit of unloverliness.

 

Although this phenomena is new to me it seems that they're all at it. Ok I can kind of see that it is the sort of thing jLO, Brittney and Christina might get up to, but Kiss? Santana? Cliff Richard (Miss You Nights - the peculiar scent of a sixty year old virgin)? One has to wonder how they marketed eau de Stalin's daughter.

 

In fact there are so many celebrity stenches on the market, it can only be a matter of time before Shoprite produces a Manx to the Max range of perfumes featuring local notables. I can see it now ...

• Sprocket by Stu Peters - the smokey armour of Woodbines blended sensuously with kerosene and tang of sour grapes.
  
• David Cannon's Cantankerous - Old Peculiar with generous helping of bullshit.
  
• Questions by Peter Karrran - mothballs, dandelion and burdock and kippers.
  
• Pam Crowe's Allure - distilled water.
  
• The Chief by Tony Brown - Gruel with a festive hint of nutmeg.
  
• Arrogance by Jeremy Clarkson - Sump oil, rotting sheep and Grecian 2000.
  
• Andy Kershaw's Restraining Order - Chips, Cheese and Gravy.
  
• David Callister's Wild West - Baked Beans, saddle soap and ylang-ylang.
  

Any others?

[oldmanxfella]

I imagine that Christopher Biggins currently smells of shit. I'm guessing they won't be selling that in Boots at christmas?

[cheeky boy]

• Bitch (umen) by Bruce Hannay
  

[Spartacus]

For all Inger-Lund fans:

 

L'Anglais: "A heady fragrance combining the odour of bile with a hint of hard cheese"

[Stu Peters]

Sprocket - mmmm, I like it already.

 

Coincidentally, in my previous life I was involved in the perfume industry. The reason celebs are so keen to endorse them is the HUGE profit margin. That latest smelly stuff you buy as a gift for £50 at Christmas probably costs less than a quid to make, bottle and package.

 

Ever wonder why the glossy girly mags contain page after page of expensive perfume adverts? How the perfume houses afford such lavish TV commercials? Why the perfume counter usually gets the prime location in a department store or high street pharmacists? Huge margins, that's why.

 

And the designer names are just that - they don't create or process the stuff themselves, they just go along to a manufacturer in the South of France like 'Creations Aromatique' and give them a brief, and an order. The company I used to produce conferences and videos for in the 80's and 90's could do a 99% perfect copy of ANY perfume, usually sourced from exactly the same manufacturer. Once they started to bite a chunk out of that market (£140m a year in 1991), the French found an unused bit of legislation to close them down.