Letter To President Bush

[bluemonday]

Dear Mister Bush,

 

I have carried out extensive geneological research and find that I am actually your King. This comes about as I am related by descent to an Indian Chief - the real owners of America. I have talked to some half arsed geneologists and a dodgy lawyer and they confirm whatever I pay them to say.

Accordingly, I shall be visiting my realm in due course. In the meantime, I intend to swell my coffers by putting up a couple of spurious websites and selling crap titles that mean fuck all for a lot of money.

 

Being King carries great responsibilities and I shall of course be bestowing an unspecified sum to some poor people somewhere in Africa as part of my grand scheme of things.

I have in fact already sent them three shrink wrapped baps as part of this generosity. There are of course administative expenses which must be deducted on everything I con ooops raise.

 

I must also remind you also that I am a 25th Dan Super Secret Ninja Turtle ( Order of the Hidden Queeny ) and have trained the entire British Special Air Service in the deadly art of Bull Shit Do so don't piss me off. This is why the British win wars - turning up on time when they start helps as well.

 

I also have 47 degrees in Science, Law and Cookery. All paid for - so you can see I am very intelligent.

 

Please look at my pictures enclosed with this communication. You will see that I have photoshopped a very big crown onto my head which is even more proof that I am the King of America.

 

Kindly ensure that your media gives me lots of publicity in order to achieve the high degree of bullshit necessary to maintain my royal dignity and my bank account.

 

Blue Monday

Rex Imperator ( USA )

 

PS The fact that I am actually Manx and you're all Americans is irrelevant. It's all in the geneology.

 

PPS I published my claim on the back of a beer mat in Peel last week which takes care of the legal notification etc - if you didn't read it, hard luck.

 

PPPS If you can't understand this, get someone to read it slowly to you, that might help.

 

 

 

 

 

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