Alternative News

[simon]

A BIG PAIR OF HANDS

 

Speaking today, exclusively on Manx Radio, Mr Gelling said "I've got pushchair for sale. I'm looking for about £35. Buyer collects."

 

Treasury Minister Alan Bell smiled. "Is it Perry Como?"

 

attached audio

[manxman8180]

Children to learn sex from Footballer's Wives

 

In an unprecedented move several Celebrity wives of top Premiership footballers have decided to group together to promote sex education amongst young teenagers.

 

The pilot scheme, called "Learn to Score with us" aims to provide easy to access information on the opposite sex, how to express their feelings and the perils of not taking precautions.

 

Victoria Beckham, Louise Redknapp, Tanya James and Nicole Henry are all leading lights in the campaign and are said to be very excited at the prospect of helping promote sex education in schools.

[simon]

A FEW GOOD MEN

 

The sole candidate for the post of Chief Minister - Donald Gelling - has issued his policy statement ahead of the election.

 

"Cool heads and clear eyes* are needed", he said. "Nice hands and a warm smile. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony".

 

Treasury Minister Allan Bell, endorsed Mr Gelling's comments. Speaking exclusively to Manx Radio he said, "Hell yes! Mr Gelling entirely agrees with everything I tell him. At times like this I think of Kipling."

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

 

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

 

 

attached audio

 

* he surely meant "vision"