ButterflyMaiden Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Just wondering .. A girl i know is having bad problems in her marriage .. she drove to our house tonight .. Never a weekend seems to go by without her being punched or hurt in some way She wont call the refuge number in the paper and doesnt seem to know what else she could do. She has 2 young children. She is worried about things getting known. Does anyone know who might help with advice / counselling on the Island ? If confidential please pm me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barby Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 This is such a sad story, I wish I had the answers you wanted but most of us won't know hos to help. I had a friend in a similar situation and she escaped to many friends in turn so that in the beginning none of us knew the full scale of the abuse. Your friend has children in a house of abuse, she MUST make sure they're safe even if it means giving up on this man and that can take more courage than she may have just now. I wish you all best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Observer Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 If she is prepared to give up on him she could call the police when he assaults her. Whether it is her husband or not it is still assault and she shouldn't have to be driven out of her home when she has young children to care for. The legal route may sound daunting but there can be some protection offered by going down it. Injunctions can be obtained, he may be wary of getting a criminal record or being imprisoned and it could be enough of a deterrant to prevent further offences against her. It's not good for her children to witness this kind of behaviour, frequently children who do witness this type of behaviour can also become abusive towards the mother - learned behaviour I guess. Obviously she really needs to be committed to ending the cycle of abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonan3 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 The first step is clearly to make sure that the incidents are recorded - either by the hospital or the police. Many ignorant bullies of this kind can be intimidated by their actions becoming a matter of public record - and it's also useful if she does pluck up the courage to walk out when it comes to sorting out access to the children. Ultimately, apart from the obvious need to preserve her own safety (and things won't improve if she does nothing IMO), it is exactly as the other posters have said; there is an overriding responsibility to ensure the welfare of the children - both physically and mentally - and her friends must do what they can to ensure that she understands that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gladys Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Prepared to give him up? Sadly, there is only one way for a relationhsip like that to progress; further abuse. Often economic insecurity makes it difficult for women in abusive relationships to extricate themselves, but I agree get the police involved; assault/battery/ABH/GBH is a crime no matter who inflicts it on whom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Survivor Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 She has 2 young children. She is worried about things getting known.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Please don't take this the wrong way but, your friend should worry less about what people might think, or what they might find out and get the hell out of that relationship. He will NOT change and she will continue to get beaten, then when he's bored of her, will it move onto the kids? I have a friend back in NZ who went through something like this. We were both living in Brighton at the time and she met this bloke who she fell madly in love with - personally I never liked the guy, but you have to support your friends as it's their life, not yours. Anyway, one night she turns up at my flat with two policemen and blood pouring out of her head. It turns out that her bf had drunk too much and decided to slam her head several times against the stone wall of their house. That night I tried to get her to leave him, not knowing that this wasn't the first time he had done something like this, and in the morning I went with her to the house and helped clean up all the blood on the ground - it's amazing how much blood a head can hold! Despite seeing this in the cold light of day, she took him back and went on to marry him - much to my dismay. Fast forward 10 years and two children later..................they had moved to NZ to build a better life for them both as Brighton was not a very financially accomodating place at the time for them. As far as I was aware, life for her had got better, otherwise why have children? How saddened I was when I learned that the abuse had never stopped, only that she had just stopped telling me about it. I got a letter from her saying that after 10 years of mental and physical abuse she had finally left him. She said she could cope with the beatings, but when one day he came home and flipped over nothing, and brought a metal chair down on her head in front of the kids, and then threw it out the window, narrowly missing the childrens heads - that was it. SHE could take it, but she was not allowing her KIDS to! I can't believe it took the concept of her kids getting hurt to get out, but she did............and it was the best thing she ever did. She has now bought her own house, returned to university, works as a journalist and has the most loving and amazing bf in the world and I've never seen her so happy in my life. Maybe you can show your friend this post BM and maybe she can see that life will get better, but she has to make the hardest move of her life, and get rid of the *anker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Just wondering ..A girl i know is having bad problems in her marriage .. she drove to our house tonight .. Never a weekend seems to go by without her being punched or hurt in some way She wont call the refuge number in the paper and doesnt seem to know what else she could do. She has 2 young children. She is worried about things getting known. Does anyone know who might help with advice / counselling on the Island ? If confidential please pm me <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I really feel for you and your friend. Its not a nice thing to go through and its also very hard to see it happen to someone you care about, especially when your not sure what you can do to help. I suffered from physical and mental abuse at the hands of an ex. The first time he did it he was drunk and when he woke up in the morning he didn't remember it but he promised not to do it again, so i gave him another chance. A few weeks later he started telling me that i was fat and ugly and that he was only with me until someone better came along and that when he was finished with me no one would want me etc, etc. I started to believe the things he was saying and stayed with him because i thought he was right. After a few weeks i ended up in hospital for two days because he beat me up. After speaking to someone in the hospital i came to my senses and left him. By the time i left him i weighed six and a half stone and was a nervous wreck thinking he would come looking for me but he never did. I was only 19 at the time and I don't know how i got through it. Im 23 now and believe that im a much stronger person. I wish i'd left the after the first time instead of giving him another chance. Life is far too short to put up with sh** like that. She has to get out of the relationship, not just for her children but for herself aswell. Although thats sometimes easier said than done. I hope your friend gets the help she needs and i wish her the best of luck for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nipper Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 A few weeks later he started telling me that i was fat and ugly and that he was only with me until someone better came along and that when he was finished with me no one would want me etc, etc. An old school friend who left the Island many years ago, met a girl, and they've been together for a few years now. (both previously married btw.). Everytime I meet her, she is ALWAYS smiling. She is always happy. It is something that strikes all of us when we meet her. Anyway, we went out one evening and after a few drinks I plucked up the courage to ask her why she was always smiling and happy. I mean, we all have to have moods sometime don't we? And we all have a moan at our partners now and again don't we? She smiled (of course) and explained to me about her 20 years of previous marriage. I was stunned. The constant abuse, mental and physical, she had suffered had beens immense. And of course - as most people do - I couldn't understand why she just didn't leave. With three children it was not easy. But one of the points that stuck in my mind was that he made her really believe that she would never ever meet anybody else again that would want her. He repeatedly forced that into her mind. You're too old, too fat, no one wants her etc. etc. (She is actually a very good looking woman with a wonderful personality btw) Anyway, she told me of how eventually she meets this lad from the Isle of Man "And that's why I'm always, always, smiling!" she said, smiling as much as ever. ______________________________________ Edited to add that my post seems a bit soppy (but very true). So to put things on a different note (sorry, I do realise this is a serious subject, but forums are forums) Dixie Chicks do a great number, it needs to be heard really, but here are the lyrics: Goodbye Earl nipper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave the Cardboard Box Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Abused women, on average, endure THIRTY FIVE instances of abuse before they make the final break and get out. If you are in that situation, don't wait, get out, no matter how difficult it it so you. Those men never change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posters Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I fully agree with DtCB. Get out. NOW Get help. NOW Protect yourself. NOW Protect the children. NOW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcus Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 24 Hour Domestic Violence Helpline. Freephone 0808 2000247. Email. helpline@womensaid.org.uk The main police station over there should have a specialist officer. It will be hard, but contact with Womens aid is to be highly recommended, it will be for the best for everyone. The cycle has to stop as soon as possible, no one will make you do anything that you wish not too. The safety of you and your children is paramount, as it will be for anyone who you approach for help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tea&Biscuits Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I agree with all that people say on here. Although I also understand your friends point about the "stigma" and people knowing that your man beats you up - its seems silly to us that someone should worry about that, but if your the victim it is a massive concern. When I was 14 onwards, me and my sis lived in hotels, B&BS, the womens refuge many times as my Dad would go on ramdom beating sprees. The thing that angers me is that the neighbours would call the police and the police would come and take US away and leave my Dad in the house!! We would then have to sit at a police station for hours, or then go to the refuge or the local B&B - this usually housed drunk men also.... very sad to be honest. Mum would always go back to my Dad, just cause it was better than sittin in a cold hotel/refuge etc. And of course the money was tight, mum working all hours 2 jobs to keep our heads above water and pay the mortgage on the house (as my dad refused too) After going back a few times, the last straw came when he smashed a mug in her face and threatened to kill her, we ended up being taken by the police to womens refuge, stayed there for about 4 months waiting for a council house. Now, this is where i get angry, the womens refuge were constantly threatening to kick us out because we had been there too long (my mum was waiting for a council house!!!!) and it got to the point where we came home one day and these women were there to help us pack, to my shame my mum had to take us and our belongings to the government office and said she was gona stay there till she got a house etc, Imagine that on the IOM, everyone at school knew etc!!! Sooooo, i totally understand the shame and secrecy surrounding this. The thing is, it usually takes a near tragic incident to make people leave violent relationships. There is nothing you can do to persuade your friend, you just have to be there for her and let her know that you are around 24 hours for her. My Mum had loads of mates that we used to go and stay with when things were bad, and im sure they all told her to leave my Dad etc, but my Mum had been with him since she was young and was scared about being on her own with 2 children! I will say though that the longer she stays with this man the mor her children will either learn the behaviour or it will really scar them for the future - I still shake and my knees go wobbly if anyone shouts at me?? Although one positive thing is that i stay away from men who are big drinkers etc, my man is the most gentle and patient person i know, so i tend to surround myself with calm people! I really hope your friend will see soon, that this relationship is never going to change and that she is a strong person who can cope on her own, i just wish her lots of love. To anyone else out there who may be in violent relationship, it will be hard to break away, really feking hard, but when you come through it with the support of various people, your life will be so much better. Anyone who loves you should not hurt you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Observer Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Sorry to hear all that T & B. I think it is a little different these days though in that the police will remove the offender from the house. It used to be that they had no power to do that but these days they do - they can enter the home and take the offender away if they see fit which is obviously far better than your experience as a child where they were probably powerless to do pretty much anything other than remove you and your mum out of harms way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addie Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 T&B, you had some really cruel times and it's not fair. Your post has to be a help and also warning to others going through this torture. You're a brave lady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ButterflyMaiden Posted September 12, 2005 Author Share Posted September 12, 2005 T & B what a very moving story ..thanx. The only bit of good news regarding my friend's situation is that her family are now aware of the situation and her father, in particular, seems very anxious to help her and even take charge of the situation.... I really think she is looking for someone to do this. Im afraid all my husband and I have been able to do is provide a supply of wine and someone to talk to .. not very practical but the best we could do. Hopefully things will work out for her .. especially now her Dad is determined to look after her and the kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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